Wednesday, June 30, 2004

The Dark Force Rears Its Head in Transportation Design

One day, not long ago, I found myself sitting on a lakeside dock enjoying the sun and sounds. Gulls carelessly lofted about while waves lapped at the pilings, and a Black Lab fixed his intensity on a tennis ball when a kid bawked a throw. Not far in the distance a bunch of guys raced around on vintage jet skis.

After a while one of the Jet Skis sputtered to the dock, and its owner hauled it up and threw open the engine compartment. I walked over, curious about its workings, and began talking with the guy. He seemed pretty nice, so I held a ratchet while a bolt in an awkward spot was adjusted, and he gave me a bit of an overview about the motor. Afterward he snapped the lid on and kicked the thing back into the water. Then "go ahead", and he noddod over to it.

When asked, he told me it was just like a bike, you have to give it some gas and get going before you stand up. So I pitched my shirt and dove in, real excited to get on a personal watercraft for the first time. I pointed it away from shore, laid down on top and gunned the throttle. Just then I felt a strange tingling around my ankles.

With a jet Ski you can't have a propeller like a boat, because rotating blades would tend to sever the limbs of riders. So you have an inboard motor that drives a sort of aqua jet. Water is sucked into the front of the thing, then shot out the back, which is how it is propelled.

Well, I was lying with my upper chest onboard, the rest of me behind the craft. The tingling sensation I felt when I hit the gas was that powerful jet blasting my testicles down to my ankles, oscillating them from one to the other like frantic pinballs. I don't have to describe the pain to anyone accessorized with a set of these, but as an illustration of the force applied, just imagine that my trunks almost hit the kid playing with his dog.

As I hobbled back to the dock the Chaplain-esque quality of the scene was not lost on the few who witnessed it, and their laughter was only compounded by my having to walk butt-ass naked to get my shorts.

Let me tell you this friend: I will never again get on a jet ski for any reason at any price. They are satanic devices designed by scorned women and frustrated lesbians.

13 comments:

Avuncular 1 said...

ye-owww. Wish I didn't read. Am having sympathetic testicular distress now. Argh.

Yoli said...

Well I didn't know women and lesbians desined the jetski but after your description I am sure these were invented by women, otherwise why would yout nuts go nuts right?

Anonymous said...

This sort of thing happened to me too many moons ago. I was in Miami with family and I was only a teenager. My cousin, like ten years old, was a surfer. One of their favorite places to surf was not in the ocean but in a canal (yes with alligators) pulled behind a small boston whaler style boat. It was really cool to watch them -- even how crazy they were with the gators and all. Anyhow, bravery (pride) got me out of the small boat and damn fast on the surf-board. I had shorts on and not a bathing suit with elastic waist. I was so afraid of being eaten that I didn't even dare to stand up. This posed a dilemma as my shorts made its way to my ankles much to the amusement of the car honking its horn as it made its way down the street alongside the canal. I was still quite nervous about providing extra incentive to lurking animals with my pants down, that we made it far as I hoisted my pants back up -- they do fish with worms and other dangling things down there.

Jamie said...

Ahhh Jet Ski's... One of my more evil inventions...not quite as good as those 3pronged bars that count you as they hit you first in the sac area, and then in the ass afterwards... But am I a woman scorned, or a frustrated lesbian...hmmm

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