Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Deer Saga Continues

The deer situation continued to escalate to the point where people where seething with opinion. Horrifically, the one put forth most seriously was the notion of employing a company from upper New England who specializes in ambushing animals with firearms. After carefully reviewing this option, I decided that it was not in the best interest of all involved. So I sent this little note to the paper along with a basket of fresh baked cookies:

To the Editors:
The discovery that I was dead wrong about Ridgefielder’s attitudes toward deer left me wiggling in the throes of ecstasy.
Alas, you do not propose to sit idly by and content with complaint. Ridgefielders are people of action, and we’re not about to let a simple matter like the annihilation of natural predators explain away our deer overpopulation problem.
Sure, humanity has encroached on deer habitat to such and extent that their numbers fluctuate with the velocity of nuclear oscillation. But there’s a couple a’ people with Lyme disease, damn it, and if that means deploying armed, beer-guzzling, camouflaged yahoos with silencers and night vision goggles, we’re up to the challenge. After all, this world is so devoid of discharging armaments that an act of violence is almost justifiable in itself.

Todd Vodka
Philosophically Delusional Malcontent and
Nose-Picking Subversive Pinko

Two things here: The editors of the paper saw fit to butcher the letter with what they deemed "corrections", lumping all sorts of awkward punctuation upon it in what can only be seen as a vile attempt to justify their salaries. And finally, I do not bake cookies for people affiliated with publications which advocate violence.


Jenn said...

Deer everywhere are standing and appluding your attempts to save their lives.

lab munkay said...

Fight the power Todd! Be the Bambi voice and enlighten that surburban mafia to whats right. To show solidarity to your cause, I ate a cookie and apauld you as well.

carinne said...

Nose-Picking Subversive PinkoI'm not sure if I want to ask about that.

I'm very curious as to what sparks your ideas here. It's entertaining.


Cootera said...

Buenos ding dong diddly dias! I just read your entire blog and must say that I do enjoy it. But I'm sorry that you would never put a link to my site on yours... it's unfortunate that I write in expletives. Ah well, I appreciate that you read mine, I appreciate all that I read in yours (beautiful writing for certain), and if you don't mind, I'd like to put a link to Minutae on my blog. Keep up the great work!

Vadergrrrl said...

Come on, its OKAY to bake cookies....