Thursday, June 10, 2004

Grazing Policies (More of The Deer Chronicle)

Surprisingly, some of the residents of my former enclave put aside their copies of "Heavily Medicated Affluent Housewife" and "The Joys of Corporate Sodomy" long enough to browse my letters. Even more surprising, though, was their reaction. One woman in particular was outraged that someone could attack hunters so blatantly.

Most offensive of all, though, was the paper's evisceration of my letter. You would think that people in the business of purveying news through the written word would have a bit of respect for the language. But alas, they stalked through my submission casually lobbing comas, paragraph breaks and all kinds of bizurk punctuation throughout.
After reading the printed version of my letter I tossed and turned for a bit, weighing my options, and then I ……

A) Internalized my anger and fantasized about my opponents getting painful, unsightly hangnails
B) Joined a Holistic Healing Through Crystals and Patchouli therapy group
C) Wrote another damn letter

If you guessed C you where correct. I like to write Letters to the Editor. I do it at the drop of a hat. If you left me in a room with nothing but a pen, a piece of paper and a large-breasted swimsuit model, one hour and forty-five minutes later I’d be writing a Letter to the Editor.

So here’s the letter. Beyond this, the deer were on their own.

To the Editors:
I would like to thank you, the editors of The Ridgefield News, for applying your convoluted notions of journalism to my Letter to the Editor. Without recourse did I gaze as my submission lie writhing in agony, having been dissected into three garbled heaps of sentences. Humbled was I to find that you diverted time from 11 glaring, felonious transgressions against the English language on your front page in order to proportion valuable resources towards littering my sentences with redundant commas.
That aside, I would like to draw your attention to (name withheld)’s Letter to the Editor in last week’s edition, and remind her that my article opposed "extermination teams", not hunters, which I neither mentioned nor referred to. As for "armed, beer-guzzling, camouflaged yahoos", I can not be held responsible if the phrase evokes a reactionary blow against your sensibilities.

Todd Vodka
Crayon Wielding Bard and Jackbooted Philanthropist


Vadergrrrl said...

armed, beer-guzzling, camouflaged yahoos --- Love it. Too funny. "Squeel like a pig!" (thats a quote from an inbred movie character btw)

Jenn said...

You need to post more! I forget to read when there hasn't been anything in awhile, and I missed this one!

nita said...!

that letter rocks. i've been known to poison pen on occasion...i have to go now and find the rest of the deer chronicles so i can be fully aware of the situation :)

todd vodka said...

I will try to post more. Thanks for the input.Thank you for the compliment Vader and Nita.

John said...

That was too funny. Please tone it down a bit.

barrie said...

Todd/Marc! I'm booooo-red! Write something to amuse me, the deer thing has been up for DAYS :(

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